I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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