if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
