I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
