atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
