I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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