do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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