I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
