you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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