My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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