My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
