I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
