I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
