I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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