Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
