dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
