i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
