if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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