Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
