I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
