I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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