So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
