don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
