I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
