the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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