he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
