I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
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I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
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Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
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