I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
