I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
