Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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