you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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