he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
