I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
