Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
