I met the friendliest cop last night
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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