Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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