what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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