I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
