someone owes me an orgasm
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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