Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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