someone threw a dead crab at me
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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