And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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