I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
