dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
