He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
