I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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