I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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