I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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