Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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