do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course