I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Randomize
