All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
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I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
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Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months