your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
