It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
