Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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