I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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