do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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