Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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