you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
