i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
