I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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