Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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