I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
