i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Randomize
