the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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