Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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