I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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