I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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