I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Randomize
